Written and performed by Stephen Conn, 2003. A Rap Epic of doomed Kosher love. Produced by Chas Wright and Dutch Mondrago. Lyrics: "Word up, y'all, it's Mistah Conn/ I's about to go cruise the local prom/ But before I do it won't take long/ Got a tale to tell call Leah's song/ A Jewish girl, about 5'10" tall/ You might spot her at the Willowbrook Mall/ She's gone off now to find her man/ While I've been left with my love in my hand/ All I know is I ain't been the same/ Since she took the path train back to Wayne/ She walked out when I insulted her mom/ I'll try to set it straight in Leah's Song/ I first met her at a school for Liberal Arts/ Where most of the grads work at Quickie Marts/ Found her years later, looking like Madonna/ During the drama of the summer of Osama/ A vegan socialist she had a hard-on for Che/ Though if he took her to dinner, I wonder who'd pay/ I remember the time she went with a Rasta/ And tried to make him join the local Hadassah/ At Hebrew school she didn't take no shit/ She'd say "Silly Rabbi, tricks are for kids!"/ But now she's grown, you won't need a big car/ For her to go down and blow ya Shofar/ And while we're at it, let's talk about Alice/ Who gets her kicks being tied with a Tallis/ C'mon now, that's just wrong/ let's bring it back to Leah's song. We never did get down to having much sex/ She said I had too much of a martyr complex/ She wanted me to change, but that's all through/ She knew I was a Jew with the IQ of Magoo/ I said, "Face it, darlin', we'll never be rich/ You're not exactly looking at Merril Lynch."/ She speaks seven languages, a Capricorn/ While my big goal was getting off porn/ While she was off helping the poor in Peru/ I discovered God while sniffing glue/ Yes, I know the sun will come out Gemara/ But I'm too tired to pick up a Torah/ I'm a Cancer, a bad salsa dancer, I have bad luck but what can I say/ It's not like I like getting rolled on the A/ But maybe some day I'll be the baggage-handler/ for the press agent to Adam Sandler/ And though my hopes were kind of setting/ On our own Big Fat Ass Greek Wedding/ Theodorus'd ignore us if we went too long/ Sing out muse, it's Leah's Song/ "Kalimara-Kalispara" [Greek: Good evening, Good Night] "She bought me Flaubert but she didn't care!" A Moveable Feast for your Sexy Beast." Now you can understand why I said "Oy!"/ When she gave the eye to every Puerto Rican busboy/ She's seen too many faces, been too many places/ Get some nookie south of the border/ Come back to Jersey, may I take your order/ and though I know there're many fish in the sea/ I'm still here on my bended knee/ The Chabad's got her bod, but somebody mop me/ I still recall her "Ei, su Popi!"/ And as I go through every page of every book/ I still have visions of that Shakira-like tuch/ Her sister Audrey wrote on "Uncle Tom"/ She deserves a little spot in Leah's song/ [Martin Luther King's "I have a dream"] I begged her, "Babe, let's go back to the house/ We'll dim all the lights and read some Klaus/ Get kinky with Kinski in 20V/ I guess in the end she didn't need me/ Oh I feel so bad I can't get out of bed/ She has a voice so husky it could pull a dog sled/ Come back home, my little Mika-Moka/ We'll dine on ciggies and a diet Coca-Cola/ Get a little fern for the window-sill/ Buy a little schnauzer and name it "Paxil"/ Please come back, c'mon where ya goin'/ I want to show you this new pot plant I'm growin'/ So I guess you're saying, there's no hope/ for me to touch your little Park Slope/ Somebody saw her at Webster with Kong/ Try to fit him in to Leah's Song/ Screaming on the phone while living at the Y/ No wonder she moved in with a different guy/ I asked, "Maybe sometime I can see your perineum?"/ She said, "Sure ya can, just not this millenium."/ And now good lord I've been arrested for stalkin'/ And the guy touching me looks like Christopher Walken/ Think I'll go home and live with my mom/ and try to make some money off Leah's Song. ["Dulce est decorum est"] Sample: "Get it on and have a party" by Pattie Brooks Courtesy Backstreet Records From the movie "Doctor Detroit" starring Dan Aykroyd