According to a team of female researchers who all recently sustained injuries due to various accidents, domestic abuse does not exist. More coverage at: http://onion.com

Breaking News, officials confirm that all online data has been lost after the Internet crashed and was forced to restart. More coverage at: http://www.onion.com

Websites like Match.com allow sad, lonely women all over the country to invite pain and rejection into their lives with just a few clicks of the mouse. More coverage at: http://onion.com

Repeatedly stabbing monkeys with sharpened objects may have an adverse effect on their health, according to a new study. More coverage at: http://onion.com

Viewer Voices: The Onion News Network's Brandon Armstrong responds to viewers' emails, texts, and chats--no matter how inane. More coverage at: http://www.onion.com

In The Know: Panelists discuss the complicated issues facing Nigeria or Niger. More coverage at: http://www.onion.com

Tragedy was narrowly averted when a stray bullet bound for singer Beyonce thankfully struck and became lodged in a passerby.

Hospital officials hope to locate the good Samaritan that dropped off a sack of human organs in the middle of the night so they can thank him. More coverage at: http://onion.com